This resonates so much! I'm reading the book "How to Be Enough" right now - all about perfectionism - and there is so much in it that connects to this. It discusses how perfectionists (those who never quite feel they are enough) often prioritize competence over connection, which can ultimately leave them feeling very alone.
I also realized late that I could create/build my friendship community. It is so complex to gather them though! Some are more in person some more texts, but at the end it is about me keeping showing up for what I want in my life. And I really want good real honest friends! Thank you for sharing your story.
We can commune hop! Love this note and love this stage of life where we feel secure with ourselves and the bonds we have made with our people. I once said to a school mom friend, " Do you ever wonder when the kids are grown and we no longer depend on this school tie how things will shake out in the friend department?" She said, "I think you already know the answer to this question." She was right. I do think the best thing about the depth of these real friendships is how we give each other grace and space. We know when to let a friendship breathe and when someone is being quiet, but struggling and how to support. It's a really beautiful thing.
ooof, it's like you are looking directly into my life. There are a couple things that resonate here, for me, friend is a precious term and not one I give lightly. But even though there are only few that I call a friend, I don't really confide much or deeply. I'm usually the "confidee" not the "confider". I've made some small steps in the relatively recent past to open up more bc I know it will enrich my life. But it's very vulnerable and I guess I really don't like that feeling.
Oooo this is such a rich comment. We’re so much more comfortable being the one to listen than the one to share, receive, ask for support. That’s so real I can relate to that too! I sometimes think of it as giving someone the gift of my trust when I confide in them. It helps me remind myself that even when it feels like I’m imposing on them by asking them to listen and hold a confidence, they are actually also receiving something valuable from me - my trust and the opportunity for intimacy.
Yes! Such a beautiful, yet not always recognizable, intention...Designing your life in a way that best serves you and those around you. Thank you for sharing.
The Definition of Friendship you mentioned that came out of that convo with your husband: “someone you trust enough to confide in, a person who you share yourself and your soul with.” Wow it really made me think too.
“Loneliness” isn’t a life sentence.
It doesn’t happen on its own.
Hearing you speaking about want to be around people who are supportive, caring and smart. YES.
This resonates so much! I'm reading the book "How to Be Enough" right now - all about perfectionism - and there is so much in it that connects to this. It discusses how perfectionists (those who never quite feel they are enough) often prioritize competence over connection, which can ultimately leave them feeling very alone.
Oooh so interesting I will have to check it out!
I also realized late that I could create/build my friendship community. It is so complex to gather them though! Some are more in person some more texts, but at the end it is about me keeping showing up for what I want in my life. And I really want good real honest friends! Thank you for sharing your story.
So complex but so worth it!
I loved this one, as I think a lot about the difference between “real friends” and “deal friends”. Keep dropping these truths - so profoundly helpful!
yes - I heard Arthur Brooks make this distinction.
Interesting I will look that up!
Tell me more! Are you thinking of "deal friends" as transactional friendships?
We can commune hop! Love this note and love this stage of life where we feel secure with ourselves and the bonds we have made with our people. I once said to a school mom friend, " Do you ever wonder when the kids are grown and we no longer depend on this school tie how things will shake out in the friend department?" She said, "I think you already know the answer to this question." She was right. I do think the best thing about the depth of these real friendships is how we give each other grace and space. We know when to let a friendship breathe and when someone is being quiet, but struggling and how to support. It's a really beautiful thing.
How beautiful yes. Grace and space. I hadn’t thought of it that way thank you.
ooof, it's like you are looking directly into my life. There are a couple things that resonate here, for me, friend is a precious term and not one I give lightly. But even though there are only few that I call a friend, I don't really confide much or deeply. I'm usually the "confidee" not the "confider". I've made some small steps in the relatively recent past to open up more bc I know it will enrich my life. But it's very vulnerable and I guess I really don't like that feeling.
Maybe send this voicenote to some of them if it feels comfortable ? ♥️♥️♥️
Oooo this is such a rich comment. We’re so much more comfortable being the one to listen than the one to share, receive, ask for support. That’s so real I can relate to that too! I sometimes think of it as giving someone the gift of my trust when I confide in them. It helps me remind myself that even when it feels like I’m imposing on them by asking them to listen and hold a confidence, they are actually also receiving something valuable from me - my trust and the opportunity for intimacy.
Yes! Such a beautiful, yet not always recognizable, intention...Designing your life in a way that best serves you and those around you. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Caren for giving this a listen. I really appreciate it!!
Love this, Vanessa ❤️ Sign me up :)
Thank you so much Rachel! I would love to hear any feedback you have (positive or negative!)
The Definition of Friendship you mentioned that came out of that convo with your husband: “someone you trust enough to confide in, a person who you share yourself and your soul with.” Wow it really made me think too.
“Loneliness” isn’t a life sentence.
It doesn’t happen on its own.
Hearing you speaking about want to be around people who are supportive, caring and smart. YES.
Sign me up for the Friend Commune!