If you’ve ever wondered why making friends as an adult feels impossible, you’re not crazy.
We stopped doing the one thing that made friendship easy when we were kids. And I think it’s time to relearn how.
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Transcript
I’ve heard from a lot of people, especially young people, that they’re having a hard time making friends. I think I’ve figured out one of the reasons it has become harder and harder to make friends, and why something that seems so simple and essential, great friendships, has become more and more elusive.
I’ve noticed this through a lot of my work doing surf retreats with women. I can go on and on about surfing and why it’s so powerful for women, and why it’s so powerful for women to be on retreat and to be away in that kind of environment. But the one thing I didn’t expect from those retreats was how much freedom and fun the women experienced.
Trying something new for the first time, falling flat on their faces, laughing, the laughter. The laughter on a retreat that was presumably about healing and an inner journey. The amount of laughter and the healing that came from that laughter was the thing that surprised me most.
So here’s my theory on why it is so hard for us, as women, to make friends: it’s because we’ve forgotten how to play.
We knew how to do this as children. We knew how to play because that was part of being a kid, and so much of the way we made our friendships was through play, playing alongside each other at recess, playing wall ball, playing games, being on the monkey bars, building with toys or blocks.
Children are encouraged to play, and through playing side by side, navigating games, we learned to navigate our relationships with each other, with other humans, and with the external world. That is how we learned as children, through play.
And the way we figured out who our people were was in the process of that side-by-side play. It became very clear to us whose energy we were drawn to, whose sense of humor clicked with ours, and who just felt good to be around. Of course, this was unconscious as kids, but this is how we figured it out in the neighborhood, when we played in the street or biked around, or in big games of tag. Through those games, through that play, we built friendships. We bonded.
For women, play seems to have no place anymore. We’ve gotten very serious.
If you’re anything like me, you got very serious at a very young age. I was a very serious girl, almost an adult before my time. Play became something that felt superfluous, indulgent, a guilty pleasure. Especially as we shift in our identities, through motherhood or just being a grown woman with responsibilities, a job, a career, and people to care for, the way we take care of others leaves little room for play.
Play has become not only a non-necessity, but it’s almost become a little bit scandalous, a little bit rebellious.
And so when I see these women laughing in the waves, their hair a hot mess, their bathing suits jacked up in all the wrong ways, just laughing about it, that, I think, could be the most transformative feeling of all. That permission to continue to play into adulthood.
One of the best ways to start to play again is through sports or hobbies. I think part of the reason pickleball has taken off is because we love to play games. We love to play games with other people, to be in a game together.
There’s a group of people who have said, “Yep, I’m giving myself permission,” because it’s exercise too, it’s good for you and healthy, so we’re allowed to do that. But something we do just because it brings us pleasure? Somehow, that feels irresponsible.
But the logic isn’t there. I’ve been fascinated by a Harvard study that shows your health at age 80 is influenced by many factors, the number one being the quality of your relationships at age 50.
So I would argue that friendship is no longer a “nice to have.” It’s essential for health. And I’m going to keep beating this drum over and over again, not just in this voicenote, but in others, because anything we can do to build our relationships and friendships isn’t just helpful, it’s responsible.
So here’s my prescription:
If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this voicenote, my prescription is to have more fun. To play. And to play with people, not just with the goal of having a good time, but also of building relationships and friendships.
If we can relearn how to play and give ourselves permission to play, I think we might unlock that thing we used to know, how to make friends. Somehow, it has become harder for us.
So I like this prescription. I’m going to give it to myself. I’m going to look at my calendar and figure out another way in the next month or so that I can fit in more play, through a hobby or a game, and silence that voice inside me that says it’s selfish, a guilty pleasure, or indulgent when I have so much responsibility and so many people counting on me.
To emphasize, to focus on, to honor my play, that’s my plan. I hope it’s yours too. Thanks so much for listening. All my love.
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