What unfolded in that cramped little space said everything about how I’ve been trained to stay small and ask for less. Enough of this sh*t, women. Let’s take up some space!
A Small Favor (If You’re Up for It!)
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Transcript: What To Do With The Manspreaders
I was at a basketball game last night, and I had a revelation. It felt a little bit like a revolution, and it happened all inside my head, in my seat, while Madison Square Garden was going wild, going crazy, and I was having this little moment with myself where I was like, “Oh, nothing will ever be the same again.”
So I get to my seat, and my husband is sitting to one side of me, and there's a guy sitting to the other side of me who's kind of a bigger guy, and the seats aren't very wide, and we had sat down first, and I had this urge to move over and create space for him, and I had to kind of look back at the seat and say, “Am I centered in the seat? Am I over to his side? Am I closer to my husband?” Because there's this urge I felt to kind of not touch him, or not create friction for him when he sat down, to create space for him by making myself smaller.
And he sat down, and I sort of sat centered in my seat, and I let myself feel him push up against me, without pulling back, making myself smaller, creating space, creating comfort for him, and frankly, for myself, by accommodating, accommodating his frame, by making mine smaller.
Now, legitimately, the guy was bigger than me, but I was centered in my seat. I'm entitled to the space that I have, and I find this happens so often also on airplanes, right? You're sitting next to someone, and there's one armrest between the two of you. So who gets it?
The guy is not afraid to claim it. And we're like, “Oh, well, if you don't need it, maybe I can have a little space.” And then if my arm is there and your arm touches mine, let me quickly move it out of the way, because it's really uncomfortable to create pressure or tension between us and to feel your arm there.
And so I sat that whole game and was like, “I am standing my ground. I'm keeping my space and I will not be pushed around by the man spreaders.” You know, like women make themselves really small so that men can spread themselves out. They sit with their legs far apart.
And I've actually got a picture of the game where I've got one guy to the side and my husband on the other side, and they're both sitting there with their legs out, and mine are crossed in together, and I'm like fitting into the little slot.
Now, that picture belies the fact that said gentleman to my left was actually very respectful of my space, and I felt that, and I appreciated that. You know, he was—he was aware of me and my space, and he was trying to sort of manage his body the way that I always manage my body, with respect to other people, so they feel respected.
And so big kudos to this guy, because he was a bigger guy than me. And at one point, I was like, “All right, I'm gonna snuggle into my man to give you a little more room, but not because I don't deserve the space. Because you're a good guy and you're being really respectful of me and my space, and you're not just taking it because you can. You're not just pushing me over because you can.”
But I think in no small part was he respectful because I demanded it. It seems so silly to talk about where we're sitting in a game and how we're sitting, but it's a big deal.
So like the Knicks are winning, then they're losing, and they're winning and they're losing, and it's like so exciting at the end—and they lost. It was just heartbreaking. But for me, it was such a win. It was such a revolution to sit and say, “I'm going to fight the urge to soothe his discomfort, my discomfort, by making myself small.”
I'm not going to be a jerk about it and make myself big and obnoxious, I mean. But you know, this is not our problem, women. Our problem is not taking up too much space. It's taking up too little. So the discomfort we feel in taking up just a little bit more space is correct. If we're feeling that discomfort, we're moving in the right direction.
So I felt good about how I showed up for myself at that game, and I appreciate the guy sitting next to me who was, frankly, a gentleman.
There are so many men in the world, I think, who have no interest in making us small. But we can't blame them if we're doing it ourselves. I mean, listen, there are plenty of guys who are interested in making us small. But there are also lots of guys who aren't. And if we are not giving them an opportunity to see us as women who take up space, then that's on us.
So we've got our work too. We've got our work to do to allow ourselves to show up in the world, taking up space, allowing other people to see us in that way.
So yeah, my little revelation revolution at the game where I was like, “This is my seat, and I'm going to sit in it, and I'm not going to make myself as tiny as possible for everybody else's comfort.”
Thanks for listening. All my love.
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