I get friendship crushes the way some people get summer flings—fast, giddy, and full of possibility. Why should romance get all the butterflies?
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Transcript: Flirt Your Way To Better Friendships
I just love it when I have a crush on a new friend. You know that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling—you get all excited. You've got chemistry. I know those words are usually reserved for dating and romantic partners, but I think we need to normalize dating our friends.
You meet somebody, you're excited, you feel chemistry, you see possibility. And then, what do you do? If you're dating, you've got to show your interest, make an effort, maybe flirt with them a little bit. This is very real in friendships, especially as you get older and friendships aren't as easy to come by. It's not like you're in a classroom with people you spend time with all day, where you have so many opportunities to tiptoe into friendships just by virtue of doing math problems alongside someone or working on your art project together.
As an adult, I think you've got to try a little harder. And, you know, this has the added benefit of giving you that first-date feeling. I've been married almost 20 years, and I, for one, miss that first-date feeling. I love my husband. I'm in a committed relationship. I'm not going to have that with a romantic partner, but I can have that with my friends.
There’s also a slightly less charged fear of rejection when you date a friend. The fear of rejection is still there, but it's a little less intense because friendship has less of that energy of being chosen at the exclusion of others. I know polyamory is a whole thing right now, but usually a romantic relationship is between two people and exclusive. In friendship, you don’t have to be the one someone chooses—you just have to be someone they’re excited about hanging out with.
It’s about attraction and chemistry for sure, but without the complication of physical attraction. Romantic partners mate to procreate—biologically, evolutionarily—and friends “mate” to belong. There’s more room for many partners in friendship. We’re a species that needs connection to other members of our species. If you came through COVID and didn’t figure that out, I don’t know where you were living.
We need connection. And yet there’s so much loneliness and disconnection, and so many people who don’t have close friends. We need to change that for ourselves if that’s how we feel. So date away. Be wildly poly in your friendships, but bring the energy of excitement, adoration, and desire into them. Don’t just think, “Oh, I want to be friends.” Go date people.
I know that sounds weird, but I kind of want to say it over and over again so it sounds less weird and we can really own it. Here’s what’s worked for me:
I meet somebody, or I find somebody, or I see somebody, and I think, “This person’s epic. She’s awesome. She just seems so cool, and I really want to be friends with her.” Two things—one is, if you find someone you want to be friends with and you just start acting like you’re friends, all of a sudden, you’re friends. Isn’t that interesting? Or you could just reach out to someone and say, “I think you’re amazing, and I would love to get to know you better.” Who doesn’t like to receive that kind of feedback?
I did this with one of my closest friends, Britt Frank. I heard her on a podcast, and I thought, “I don’t know where this woman lives or what she does, but she’s so cool, so smart, so revealed, and so funny. I want to be friends with her.” So I literally internet-stalked her. I figured out, through Instagram, who we had in common. I went to that person and said, “Can you please introduce me to Britt Frank?” They said, “Absolutely.” I said, “She’s so cool.” They confirmed, “Yes, she is.”
Now we’re the closest of friends. I live in New York City, and she lives in Kansas City. But I felt that spark of attraction. I felt that excitement. I felt that “Ooh, I’d love to know this person.”
When you feel that, you can do one of two things: you can think, “This person would never want to be friends with me,” or “How could I possibly be friends with them?” Or—you can make an effort.
Of course, we don’t want to make it creepy. Like in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You—if you make an overture and someone doesn’t respond, maybe they’re in a different place in life, they’re busy, or they don’t have bandwidth. Don’t take it personally. I’m not telling you to stalk people you think are cool. You’ve got to read the tea leaves.
But often, when you’re open and excited with someone, or you meet them and feel some chemistry, it’s likely they felt it too. So make an effort—as if you were dating—to show someone, in a non-needy, non-creepy way, “Hey, I’m kind of into you. Are you into me?” Then navigate whether the mutual chemistry exists.
Let’s normalize dating our friends. Let’s normalize putting as much energy and effort into pursuing and cultivating new and exciting friendships as we do our romantic relationships. Because it’s a tough place to be when you don’t have close friendships, and it’s an incredible place to be when you do.
They take work, care, and cultivation—maybe just a little mindset shift from “I’m going to walk through life and friendships will just fall out of the sky” to “I’m going to make a proactive effort to put myself out there, flirt a little with people I think are cool, see if there’s chemistry, and hopefully deepen those friendships.”
Thank you for being with me. All my love.
